The Best Wingman
by Gnimaerd
Summary: Tobias is the best wingman. He'll shrink all of the King's pants in the wash, ruin all his sister's attempts at a plain-jane love, cut his sister's hair into shreds after trying to give her a trim to see her Goblin King, and lead a goblin riot to the cliffs of insanity when they need a moment. This is Tobias' story on romance between Jareth and Sarah, and how it was all his fault.
1. Introduction

_Introduction:_

Hi, my name is Tobias, and if you are not my sister, calling me "Toby" will earn the action of my sock drawer eating your face. Literally. I mean that there will be nothing left of your face, and it will belong to my sock drawer. (And to the goblins, but you won't believe in those.)

Ahem.

Let me start again. My name is Tobias, and this is _JACKASS_. (It's not really, I just like how Sarah gets The Look on her face whenever I watch it with the goblins.)

_Warning_: Please for the love of anything good in the world, unless you want to become the next Goblin King, don't try this at home.


	2. In Which Tobias Gets The Ball Rolling

_Chapter One: In Which Tobias Gets The Ball Rolling After A Decade_

* * *

Tobias Williams, contrary to thought wasn't stupid.

Twenty-five now, his lovely older sister had gone ten years without going back into the Labyrinth. In that time period, she had adopted a barn owl, (Which came and went) wrote several best-selling children's books and hosted friends from the Labyrinth (Who were also his babysitters) and led a fairly nice life with all of them, making pastries and writing on her computer. But, in all of this time period, she didn't go back to the Labyrinth and never, _ever_ said the words "I wish."

But he was fifteen now, and he was most _definitely_ not stupid.

Which was why he was standing in front of her barn owl, in her bedroom when she could walk in any moment, shouting at it. Really, he wasn't stupid.

However, it was clear that he thought the barn owl _was._

"You don't think I wouldn't recognize you after all this time, Jareth? _You,_ who acted like we were in a massive fantasy-inspired musical together with my sister-Why are you acting like a _blushing schoolgirl?_ You haven't so much as croaked a "You're attractive young lady" at my sister for a decade-You know what, old boy, you're _pathetic_. You don't even get to watch her change half of the time."

If a barn owl had a mouth to unhinge, it would be unhinged. As it was, the beak was hanging open, and it was looking as about befuddled and shocked as an owl could look while Tobias tore into him, barely pausing for breath.

"You haven't even thrown a crystal at her, much less throw yourself at her, all the while she waited for a king that never came. Now, what was that?" Tobias cocked his head, "It's the sound of her breeding cycle coming to an end! I want half-fey nephews to spoil, _do you hear me?_" He all but shrieked into the poor bird's face. "Go throw her back into Labryinth if you must, but for heaven's sake, you nincompoop, what on earth have you been _doing?!_ Get _ON_ with it, I've been watching you tiptoe around her as _BIRD_ for over a decade! It screws with a bloke's mind when you know that your sister has been hankering after a man who's actually an animangus and sexual harassment personified!"

The suddenly-outed goblin king could only make something that was clearly supposed to be a hoot, but came out more as a strangled "caw" of sound. Tobias wasn't even sure that sound was _supposed_ to come out of an owl.

Having successfully broken the mind of the Goblin King, Tobias walked off. (_Like a boss.)_

Phase One: Complete.

* * *

_A week before:_

_"I don't understand," _Tobias wailed hysterically into his coke, looking very sorry for himself while his ex-babysitter Hoggle looked on in confusion, trying desperately to both keep a stray chicken in the apartment from eviscerating itself on the floor and watch the hormonal teen go through the phases that Sarah had gone through not long ago at the same time. _"What part _of_ NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU HERE _does my sister_ not get?!"_

"Probably the part where you chase off all her suitors, you brat." Hoggle said grumpily, finally just kicking the chicken in the general direction of the bathroom. The chicken erupted in a flurry of surprised feathers and indignant squawking, but neither Tobias or Hoggle took much notice. Planting his hands on his hips, Hoggle frowned up at his charge. "Alright, help me up you drama queen. And budge over." Sniffling with a touch of ironic drama, Tobias did as he was asked.

When Hoggle was comfortably situated beside him on the bed, the dwarf asked in a long-suffering voice: "What's wrong?"

_"What do you mean, what is wrong." _Tobias said in a surprisingly petulant voice, crossing his arms like he was ten years younger than he actually was and pouting. "My sister keeps on going to all of these boring men for romance and I won't have it, Hoggle! I _won't!_"

There was silence in Tobias' bedroom.

Then Hoggle snorted. "You know, Toby, you sound _really _like he-who-must-not-be-named. Before he was defeated, I mean."

"I'm not a sociopath with a long history of violence, Hoggle." Tobias said, then grinned. "_What?"_ He said, getting the joke._ "_You don't know that the barn owl is his own very royal stalker-boy for my sister? I mean, how long did it take you to not realize? You and she never get that I don't say that she isn't available to be taken by _somebody_, I say that she isn't available to anyone who is _lesser_ than she is."

There was another beat of silence while Hoggle had a small heart attack and Tobias was mentally preparing himself to preform CPR. Just in case.

"He's _here?!" _Hoggle finally choked out, and Tobias blinked in relief. "...Yes? Wow, you really didn't know..." He said absently, too busy mentally thanking whoever had let him off the hook and saved his first kiss from his dwarven ex-babysitter.

"No, of _course _I didn't know, you airheaded ninny!" Hoggle snapped, and began rubbing his temples in an attempt to stave off the headache that would inevitably set in. "He's been here for close to _eight years _and not a single transformation has come about in all of that time! How-" Hoggle frowned. "Toby, how would _you _know? And," As some of what Tobias said previously caught up to him, "GETTING HIS HIGHNESS AND SARAH TOGETHER IS SINGULARLY THE _WORST _IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD."

"Worse than the time I let the party of goblins learn the concept of Karaoke?" Tobias said cheekily, then yelped as Hoggle delivered a hard pinch to his thigh. "Don't _mess_ with me, boy!" Hoggle practically roared, and a pathetic-sounding cluck sounded from the bathroom.

"Owowow. Okay, okay. Okay. I know magic, and I can do the crystal-ball-thingy-too. And it's not a bad thing!" He defended himself. "You know Sarah, you know his royal Everything-is-a-musical-until-the-romance-turns-mo re-idiotic-than-Twilight-ness, mix them together and they're _fabulous! _Seriously! You've been watching me have at it for almost three years now!"

"It's the lead bars I let you chew on. And I knew Ludo dropped you that time. Alright, boy, I'm calling up the asylum..." Hoggle hopped off the bed, leaving Tobias to chase after him.

* * *

_A few days later, following the above incident:_

_"What are we doing here."_ Hoggle's voice brooked no argument, a stark contrast to the silently giggling goblins beside them; several of whom were relieving themselves against the tires of a car. And removing some rather vital bolts while they were at it, with nothing but their fingers and a curious chicken or two.

"_I," _Tobias said in a dignified voice _"_Am watching over my sister like a good younger brother, paying her back for taking care of me on her own for six years. And _you, _my good dwarf are being an obstacle to her while she's being helped by me on the pathways to true love. Because really, the unrequited sex tension is becoming thicker than treacle and I can just tell it's _filled_ with calories."

Hoggle closed his eyes and counted to ten, mentally revisiting the advice Sarah had given him on controlling anger years ago. _Count to ten, Hoggle. I know he's a bit loud, and a bit silly, but he's younger than me. And you of course know how silly I was. Am, actually. It's a human thing, I think._

_"_I'm going to pretend that you actually made sense, and ask you another question. '_Why _are we he-'"

"Shhh!" Tobias hushed him fervently, lowering the binoculars from his eyes. "They're coming out!" And so they were, if "They" meant the handsome barista that Sarah occasionally saw when she worked in her favorite coffee shop and Sarah herself, devastatingly beautiful and fey-like after continuous exposure to magic. They were laughing as they emerged from the restaurant, clearly enjoying each other's company.

Tobias prided himself in seeing his sister's moods better than anyone. And he _knew_ when she was miserable, hiding it behind a pretty smile.

She had taken after her mother in her acting abilities, Tobias also knew. But it wasn't good enough for him, because he was her little brother, whether either of them liked it or not. And with that mind, he always was there to systematically destroy each and every date she was coerced into. (Read: Ended up having to accept because of social circumstances.) _And_, right now...

"Alright you guys, it's showtime! Let's go give Sarah an excuse to not meet him up like this again." He whispered to the goblins, many of which began laughing too loudly for his comfort. He shushed them, causing them to unanimously slap hands over their mouths and look all for the world like ugly babies who were caught stealing cookies from the jar. It was too late, though-Sarah had looked over, and-Was that genuine _amusement_ that he read on her face?

...Well then! All the better. Ignoring Hoggle, who was saying "You know lad, maybe you should just let her have this one date for once-"

"Activate the hounds!"

* * *

The front door to the house slammed, causing Tobias to jump and lose his pencil.

_"-I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS,"  
_Freddy Martin bellowed from the TV, ignoring any possible alternatives to an evening and successfully ignoring the door. Tobias envied him, truthfully. Still, as ominous music went...

Grumbling, he retrieved it from the floor. He still had a _lot _of the science homework he was assigned from school, and it didn't help that he was out earlier, making mischief for Sarah's date. And after the mess he made, he still had to deal with the goblins. He bribed many of them into sugar comas, putting them out like lights for a good four hours and left two awake to watch telly together and provide background noise. Hoggle was in the kitchen, sulking for god knew what reason.

It wasn't like they were doing something bad. If Hoggle didn't know that Sarah was _miserable _every time she went out with someone, then he wasn't a good friend at all.

"Toby!" A loud, feminine voice rattled the windowpanes of the house, and Tobias smiled with wry fondness. Ah, he loved his sister. He could practically smell the ozone seeping through the crevices of his own bedroom door, all the way from where he was.

"_THERE STANDS MY WIFE, THE IDOL OF MY LIFE SINGING ROLL-A-BOWL-A-BALL-A-PENNY-O-PITCH!"_

"Yeah?" He called back, long and drawling in a patently fake british accent that was _definitely_ stolen from a few episodes of Doctor Who. (Sarah adored the show. Both Hoggle and he could never understand why, but Sir Didymus sort of got it.)

"I-" Following that there was a long silence, long enough that Tobias had to abandon his homework and the goblins, tripping over a couple on his way to the door to his bedroom. Opening the door, he yelped and jumped back in surprise at seeing his sister, looking more conflicted than he'd ever seen her. Anger and something else entirely warred on her face, before confusion and curiosity won out.

"...Toby. Is that..._I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts__?"_

* * *

_Even later that night:_

After everything was said and done, and after Sarah assured him that she was still mad at him, Tobias found himself nursing a hot chocolate with a significantly less sulky Hoggle. Glancing at the dwarf in the dim lighting of the kitchen, he found himself saying: "You know, Hoggle..."

"I know, boy." Hoggle said grumpily. "I hate to admit it, you know. I don't like anyone here, either." Blinking, Tobias cocked his head to the side. "No, that's not what I was going to ask you. Though that's good, you've finally seen the light after about three years of being in the dark. That's excellent, actually." Tobias paused, savoring the taste of hot chocolate and victory. "No, I was going to ask you if it was a bad idea to get the goblins to turn the car seat Sarah's date was in into a high-powered jetseat..."

"Only now you ask me that question, boy- _JETSEAT?" _Hoggle turned around from his position on the stool, already wide eyes widening further. For the second time that week, Tobias had to try remember how to do CPR while Hoggle had his miniature heart attack, the poor thing.

"Oops?" Tobias said, sipping his cocoa. "How-Did-I don't even want to know." Hoggle gave up, waving his free hand around in exasperation. "We should of never introduced you to the goblins, Toby." He grumbled, following up the statement by trying to drown himself in his mug.

"Aw, that's no fun. I was nearly turned into one of them! Why wouldn't I want to know my own almost-kin, Hoggle? I mean, I get the whole special snowflake thing going that you had going on before my sister inserted her fabulously beautiful and sassy self into your life-"

"Shut up, Toby. Shut that yap you call a mouth." Hoggle advised, and Tobias obeyed. For a moment or two.

"Hoggle, do you think I should let his royal feathers know that I know about him?"

Hoggle eyed Tobias across the table. "Yes, and let him know exactly how you feel upon the subject, why don't you?" He said, his voice thick with sarcasm.

* * *

_Present day-turned-night, and after Tobias took Hoggle a little too seriously and really did give the Goblin King a piece of his mind:_

"What-_What are you doing?_" The owl screeched in english, obviously not used to being manhandled as he was. Because he was Tobias and he was used to the laws of physics being bent around him, he calmly ignored the vocal chords and tongue-needing sounds coming from the King-Gone-Feathered and shoved him firmly in the shower. In back of Tobias, Hoggle spoke up.

"_He," _Hoggle said with grim amusement, "Is watching over his sister like a good younger brother, paying her back for taking care of us on her own for six years. And _you, _you feathered sunavobitch are being an obstacle to her while she's being helped by her brother on the pathways to true love. And honestly Your Majesty, I can't get in the way of this brat's antics any longer."

"I-Hey." Tobias turned around, a smile beginning to form on his face. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Toby." Hoggle nodded at his charge. "Watch His Majesty." The owl was still putting up a mighty fight, feathers and everything. "Right." Tobias turned back, and glared fiercely at the Goblin King. "You, my fine fellow are going to get your first glimpse of my naked sister. If you really want to put up a fight because you're too busy mooning after what you _can't_ have, then by all means, fight."

Abruptly, the owl stopped fighting, and Tobias withdrew with a grin on his face.

"Thought so. Alright, she'll be in shortly."

A disgruntled, reluctantly gratitude-filled hoot was his response.

* * *

_Later that night:_

"This was _not _how I pictured seeing you again, Goblin King!" His sister's voice came from the bathroom, loud and clear as a bell despite The Weather Girls' best efforts to serenade the two.

_"IT'S RAINING MEN! AMEN! I'M GOING TO GO OUT, ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WEEEETT!" _The song blared from the bathroom, having no consideration for the neighbors.

Phase Two, Completed. A smug smile stretched Tobias' face. Finally, things were happening.


	3. In Which Tobias Narrowly Escapes

Chapter Two: In Which Tobias Narrowly Escapes Becoming Sisyphus In Relation To Aformentioned Ball And Acquires A Giant Rabbit (Also Jareth Gets Naked Sarah Time)

* * *

In the quiet silence of the bathroom, Jareth had sunk into contemplation upon life, comfortably lying his round head on his feathered breast. Certainly, when he first took the throne so long ago—He never expected that he would be doing _this._

Off-and-on, for about eight years now he took every day he could possibly spare to be with Sarah and her motley crew, one of whom was that little brother of hers. He stayed away from her at _first_, after she initially defeated him—After all, he, the Goblin King was terribly busy putting the Labyrinth back to rights, busy accepting the odd runner that strayed into his realm, time filled up by herding the chickens into somewhere that wasn't in his closet, dedicating moments to pruning and encouraging the Labyrinth so that it became even _more _twisted and thorny than it already was...

He broke down rather embarrassingly on the mortal event of New Years: About approximately one year, three hundred days, and thirty-eight seconds later _afte_r he _vowed_ by her very nice-looking—He meant, puny mortal bum that he wouldn't ever think about her or see her again. On that night, he gazed upon her in his bedroom mirror, vow completely forgotten in the tidal wave of his overwhelming curiosity.

In the mirror, he saw a girl who had grown a little taller, become a little stronger. Her eyes had become larger, after the first flush of youth, her hair longer. She was currently smiling softly in the way that makes every woman beautiful, even should she be ugly and unwanted— And over her shoulder was his little ex-captive, sleeping contently.

In her green eyes, there was a reflection of far-off fireworks-Exploding red, blue and yellow stars.

_But even in the lit up shadow-night of the New Year,_ he thought, with a small shiver _Though she had an abundance of shining human qualities now, there was something about her now... Something that had turned her face fey-like and strange, beyond his ken._

She turned towards the mirror of his sight, and her smile had widened into something bright instead, like a firework shining in the night.

_"I miss you," _She said with such heartfelt, pure earnestness; As if she were making a wish instead of merely making a statement... And though it could of been directed at anyone—Her dead father, her wastrel of a mother, her presumed missing step-mother...

It shouldn't of caught his attention, he supposed.

And yet it did.

Night after night, he began watching her with a near-obsession in the darkness of his room. He watched her attend school, take care of her brother (The little hellion, he easily rivaled Jareth himself at his age—Who on earth streaked down the most public street in the neighborhood, wearing nothing but their birthday suit screaming "MY TEACHER WANTS MY YOUNG NUBILE BODY"? He did get the teacher fired though with his efforts—Jareth was _very _proud.) bake cookies with her friends, offer advice to the odd transgender Goblin or two (He had some very stern talking-tos with those Goblins, Pintel and Ragetti. He blamed their behavior on that strange Jack Sparrow fellow.)

Days passed. Nights passed in much the same way.

Sarah grew even more beautiful, but rather as if she were some kind of princess in a fairytale rather than the heroine he knew her to be. Lights occasionally flickered around her in hallways, and she smiled to her fellow classmates like the Mona Lisa.

She liked to ride on trains for no explicable reason other than to herself, counting stops as she went. Sometimes Hoggle went with her, and sometimes it was her brother, sitting across from her with a book in his lap. Toby, his face emerging from the first stages of youth had grown into a mischievous imp with a sharp smile and light green eyes.

He was very clever, which Sarah encouraged. She admitted to him that she was much the same when they were the same age, both of them reading fantasy fictions and other works of similar art as well as attempting to defy logic with certain...Actions. Of course, when his knowledge was put to mischief it often caused her endless frustration. And amusement, because despite everything they _were _blood related and when you're a Williams, there's a way.

_(And this was a very unfortunate truth that he had learned today, seeing as Tobias Williams was far more sharp than he ever had given him credit for.)_

_But, _on the day that he saw Sarah in a thunderstorm, alone...

There was a burning, fierce joy in her expression, lighting up the very earth beneath her with the passion of it. Unlike the mysterious, half-there smiles that seemed so fey in the flickering lights of her school hallways, the smile she wore had transformed her, making her seem as if she were finally _alive, _and _there. _The thing that was missing, that night—It had come alive in her, glowing.

And as if it were a dream, Jareth knew his time had come. He gathered up a feather cloak, and vanished from the Goblin Kingdom.

He appeared before her as a barn owl, and appeared before her in the storm. The rest, as you could say, was history. _(Except for some reason, he never had the courage to actually appear before her as he really was. It was easier to be her feathered friend and pet, considering their history.)_

Until now.

The door creaked alarmingly, and he jumped a little, ruffling his feathers. Goodness, for being a semi-dignified, all-knowing royal monarch he was feeling very shocky. Something probably to do with that blond bishounen brat (Toby liked to read _Manga _online. Illegally) screaming into his face about how he, the Goblin King should jump the bones of his sister—Goodness gracious, what _were _they teaching children nowadays?

Jareth would of given Toby a good magical spanking for his insolence, except that he grudgingly had to admit he had a large, and rather sore point. But he _did_ want to wait until Sarah's birthday at least before revealing himself. (Give him time to recover.)

Instead, Toby decided to _shove_ him in the shower and _make him _make up for all of the lost glimpses of his naked sister he had lost over the years. By literally shoving her naked self into his _face_.

Not for the first time, he wondered if the Williams boy had been dropped on his head as a child.

But then when _Sarah, _beautiful, glorious _Sarah came into the shower _with nothing but a smile on her face, He decided abruptly that the child was a genius and he was going to make him his heir, faerie courts be damned. There was only so much to be said for waiting patiently as a retired villain, waiting to get the girl.

* * *

_Sarah,_ she could say to herself with some honesty _Had grown up since she left the Labyrinth._ Yes, it was true she did most of her growing up _in_ it, but for around ten years now, she had taken care of and showered affection on Hoggle, Toby and every other Labyrinth inhabitant that decided to march through her doors.

Groaning under her breath, she unbraided her hair and threw the few ties she had aside.

It wasn't as if it were _without_ the perks, and she would sooner skin herself alive and try to defeat the Labyrinth with her hands tied and feet bound than let her self-built family go, but she had to think that things had at least, changed over the years. For instance, Toby had proved to be absolute _hell _to pretty much raise on her own. To be sure, he was very loving and idolizing of her (To a healthy extent! Sarah squashed out anything too dangerous before it began, or so she hoped) but he had the idea in his head to more or less squishilate (Hoggle's term, not hers) every single date she ever garnered.

And he had the reasoning that she didn't like her dates hardly _ever_.

Unfortunately, Sarah thought with a sigh, Toby was right. And by god, that pissed her off. It actually hurt more that he was _right_ rather than knowing what was behind the _"mysterious" _accidents that always seemed to happen around her dates. Strangely, the rumors of the accidents never seemed to get around, and so she was forever fending off dates from would-be suitors.

Pulling off her shirt, she paused. The last one was a nice boy to be sure, but... He wouldn't understand. Much of anything, really—She could see it in his eyes. As far as he knew, she was a lovely young writer with pretty eyes and a nice smile who really liked the place where he worked. It was good enough for him. And she knew she wasn't ever going to be such a thing, so why bother?

Unhooking the last piece that stood between her and nudity, she let it drop to the floor and stepped in the shower with a faint grin, anticipating the heat of the water.

And for a moment, she could only stare in blank confusion.

There was her _owl. _In her shower. Looking oddly star-struck and hungry, like it wanted to eat mice but was too dazed to. She had jokingly named it "His Majesty," due to the oddly regal air it had-It didn't look especially regal now, ruffled as it was. Shrugging, she turned on the water to full blast. Now, she could be forgiven: She didn't normally angle the shower head the way it was currently angled, but Tobias _had_ angled it...Differently. And within the space of a few seconds, the shower was full of angry hooting and very drenched owl.

The next few seconds were filled with even more confusion and very wet, naked Sarah and wet-and-soaked _Goblin King._

There was a beat of silence, where Jareth desperately tried to keep his head and retain his dignity after being subject once again to Toby's unexpected scheming, ignoring the pounding of the spray into his scalp. He looked down at the young woman, and tried very hard not to make it obvious that he was taking advantage of his fortunate view point.

"Sarah," He said, simply. His voice was husky from years of disuse, and he inwardly frowned at himself for the sound of it. _  
_

It didn't seem to matter much, as Sarah's eyes began to gloriously soften. But then it seemed as if this reaction was not meant to be: She opened her mouth, looking quite angry.

_"COME **ON**! WE **YOUR** WEATHER GIRLS AND **HAVE WE** GOT **NEEEEWWWSS** FOR **YOU**!" _The bathroom suddenly blasted, quite literally rattling their eardrums and startling the wet couple. Unfortunately, it wasn't a big shower and the only way to move if you were in shock was forward, especially if there were two people crowding the space. Jareth had some pleasant dreams that night.

_"YOU BETTER LISTEN! GET **READY**, ALL YOU LONELY GIRLS! AND **LEAVE** THOSE **UMBREELLAAASS** AT HOME!"_

Rather awkwardly they stared at each other for the moment, utterly uncomprehending.

_"IT'S RISING, BAROMETER'S GETTIN' **LOWWWWWW**. ACCORDING TO ALL SOURCESSS, THE STREET'S PLACE TO **GOOO**._"

Jareth's heart was probably beating too fast for comfort, having properly realized that he had a _very naked and wet _Sarah _pressed up against him_ after years of stalk-Er, guarding her. Fortunately, Sarah wasn't noticing this.

_"'CAUSE TONIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME, JUST ABOUT HALF PAST TEN, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN **HIS-TO-RY**-!"_

_"**IT'S GONNA START RAINING MEEEEEEEEENNN!"**_

Jareth could actually feel himself growing warm with mixed emotions of embarrassment and humiliation. Yes, Wet and Naked Sarah (Capitals were ridiculously deserved) was up against him, but... "Raining Men?" He supposed Toby couldn't of found Raining _Fey _in time...

_"IT'S **RAINING MEN**! HALLELUJAH! IT'S **RAINING MEN**! **AMEN!**"_

Sarah was growing alarmingly red, rather like him if he felt anything in his cheeks to be true. Anger, frustration, disbelief, _relief_, incredulity, confusion, embarrassment-All in all, there was a ridiculous amount of emotions scattered across her face. Suddenly she cleared herself, and glared up at him.

**_"I'M GOING TO GO OUT, AND LET MYSELF GET A-BSOLUTE-LY SOAKING WEEEETTTTTT!"_**

"This was _not _how I pictured seeing you again, Goblin King!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, as Tobias continues on his quest for true love between his sister and his feathered majesty..._

"He loves her, he loves her not, wait, of course he loves her." Tobias said airily as he waited for the showering to end, tossing aside another crystal against the wall, sending it into puffs of sparkly glitter. Goodness, Magic was fun. No wonder why Jareth enjoyed it so much. But the Goblins were staring at him funny, and when _Goblins _start to stare at _you _funny, and actually exhibit signs of regularized humanity... Then you've got a problem.

"What is it, you blokes?" Tobias peered at them, and some of them gestured funny, gesturing with clawed fingers around their heads. And because these were the "children" Toby had run with when he was only a child himself, he understood them perfectly. They were of course, worried that they were going to start seeing the King's hairstyle on him. "Don't worry, Blipper. I'm _far _more fabulous than the King, and if Hoggle tells it correctly I don't even need peach lipgloss to substantiate my effervescent masculinity." Some of them looked quite reassured, but some of them began to gnaw on the plastic spoons he had given them earlier.

_"_Lady mad?" Offered a particularly thoughtful Goblin, whom Tobias personally named "Plate" when he was five, not understanding that he was really meaning the philosopher, Plat-_o. _But Plate was stuck, and it was mighty confusing at mealtimes.

"Why on earth don't you use her real nam-Oh, stupid question." Tobias broke himself off, looking down at them. "Nah. Well, maybe at me. Actually... She should be...Coming with angry Goblin King... Any minute now. Bye chaps, hugs and kisses and FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE I NEED YOU ALIVE AND NOT DEAD WHEN I COME BACK."

_"Tobias Willaims," _Sarah's voice was dark and threatening, his hair literally standing up on its ends at the sound. _"I am going to kill you." _

"There you have it fellows!" With that, Tobias took off into the night...From a third story window.

* * *

Hoggle was having a bad week.

He was always having a bad week when Tobias was concerned, actually. (Dramatic music in the toilets while you were trying to push out excrement, punching holes in your umbrella, _endless _quoting of various movies, _Jackass, _((Jackass deserved it's own warning)) Throwing people out of windows calling them _Chad from Accounting..._)_  
_

But this time it was worse.

Because the King himself, after eight stinking years as an owl was staring at him _very _balefully in the living room, nursing a cookie and a hot chocolate and partaking from both. "I thought that you were supposed to be the Prince of the Bog, Dwarf." He had said, when he first entered.

"_I_ thought you were supposed to be The _Goblin King_, yer feathered majesty." Hoggle said with surprising aloofness at the time, drinking from a paper cup filled with apple juice. "I decided that my duties were to watch over Sarah and the brat before they collapse yet another realm they weren't supposed to. Complaints will be directed to the Bog. It can decide if I'm an able ruler." Truthfully, Hoggle surprised himself. He had really changed quite a bit since he left the place.

His manner of speech had gotten more elaborate, for one and he was plenty less bitter about life. Love did that to you, he supposed. Sarah was his friend, and had stayed that way for a decade. Tobias was a handful, but he loved him too.

"Hurt her and you'll find yourself staked faster than you can say "Tralalala,"" Hoggle ground out eventually in the rather uncomfortable silence, causing Jareth to lift an eyebrow. "I didn't _know_ until almost the end, but I know you watched over her. You didn't bother me and I didn't bother you. I distrusted you, but I trusted you to take care of her eventually. So, if you do hurt her..."

Hoggle leered, and Jareth looked disturbed.

"Well, the brat that got us into this mess won't be the only one of your troubles, _Your Majesty_."

* * *

_Meanwhile in a location unknown:_

_"_Well _this _is not the fashion catwalk for Alexander McQueen. Not that I particularly fancied Highland Rape._" _Tobias deadpanned with the utmost gravity that could belong to him in this situation, blond bob a-swinging and green eyes a-glowing. After his attempt at a flying spell out of his window that went horribly, terribly _wrong, _he had managed to find himself in a gigantic, breathing cave littered with bones.

(If you squinted it might be actually a catwalk for McQueen. If you squinted, and took a few snorts of fairy dust. Please don't try that at home, kids.)

Lifting up a sleeve in the darkened cafe for his inspection, he noted that he had gotten himself dirty in his attempts to escape. Which honestly didn't appeal to him very much, seeing as what he was wearing was a very dashing dark red suit that did wonders for his figure. Worse, there was dust _everywhere._

_Where _were those little buggers when you needed them? Goblins would have been very helpful in this situation.

And now being the practical fifteen year old boy that he was (The kind that wasted all of their money on extravagant clothing and actually introduced Goblins to the glory of _Jackass_) he summoned a crystal, and pitched it into the darkness like a high-velocity sparkle baseball.

There was a _thunk._

And out of the darkness, slowly lurching was a _gigantic_ rabid albino rabbit with snarling incisors. It rather looked like it wanted some stylish Toby carrot for lunch while it was at it. It's mouth glistened wetly, and the breath alone was enough to give a strong man pause. But not Tobias.

Tobias fucked _up_ that shit. He kicked that pink nose and told the rabbit "No." He slapped it for good measure and yelled into it's fluffy face. And told it exactly who gave the orders, _who _ripped off the tags off of mattresses, and told it to shut up and back it's shit down or by god he would whup that cotton tail so hard it wouldn't be able to squat in caves for a good fifty years. Peasant.

Yes, he actually called a gigantic white rabbit a peasant. Go figure. Despite the fact that he pissed it off in the first place.

_This is the story of Toby and how he got a giant rabbit as his bitch in command-_I'm just playin', he didn't make it his bitch in _command. _

But it was his bitch now. And now it could be used to further his glory.

He would call it Paul.


End file.
